Relational Equity

Friendship is not a reward for our discrimination and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each other the beauties of all others.

C. S. Lewis

So, two of my friends celebrated significant milestones agewise this past week – one turned 30 while the other turned 35. 30 is the start of a new decade, while 35 marks exiting the youth bracket. And my conversations with these two friends made me think about relational equity.

We can define relational equity as the ‘value and strength of the relationship’ between two individuals. This relational equity encompasses trust, mutual respect, and shared understanding. We are communal beings. Havard University conducted a study whose conclusion was, “Embracing community helps us live longer and be happier.” In essence, the quality of our relationships significantly affects the quality of our lives.

Building and maintaining relational equity requires ongoing investments and effort. And it is quite the commitment, especially considering that we already have full lives doing adulting 😂. I currently have to synchronize calendars with my friends to even get them on a call. And the rate at which life is happening, if you stay out of touch for so long, it feels like you no longer know them. I talk to one of my best friends almost every other week, and it doesn’t go unnoticed how much life has gone on in between our calls. There is always something that she says that catches me off-guard.

I think building relational equity is engaging in an intricate dance with another person. Literally, it takes two to tango 😉. I heard someone say that they ‘don’t do new people’ and I felt it to my bones. Building relationships is work. It’s like an infant that you have to nourish consistently and nurture – if you fail to feed it, it dies. And the birthing process is risky – you put yourself out there and allow yourself to be known by another. Also, not everyone you want to be in communion with wants to be in communion with you. So, you risk rejection by asking if you can build relational equity with them. But risk we must because we cannot live in isolation. Only that we have to keep an open mind and know that we gain some, and lose some.

Scott Saul says: Real love, real friendship is vulnerable. And risky. And Costly. And discomforting. And disquieting. And agitating like sandpaper sometimes. But it is all worth it because real friendships are the glue that holds faith and life together.